I can hear your prayers
by finsbaby
Summary: Spoilers...Dean prays. Will he be listened to?


SPOILERS! For every season. I love Castiel. Totally. I do NOT write slash, merely strong friendship. My other stories are TBC, I just have been a little busy. This has been nagging me all day at work I just had to write it out! I own nothing. Any errors are mine my apologies.

EDIT: So sorry! Bold Italics are Castiel, regular italics are Dean. Enjoy!

* * *

Sam had no soul, which sucked ass. Tonight though, Dean was thankful for his brother being soul less.

"Going out for awhile" was all he said, and Sam nodded. Sam. SAM would've asked where he was going. This version of his brother, didn't give a damn where he was going. And that hurt. But Dean shrugged it off. Tonight, he was glad his little brother couldn't feel a damn thing. Because HIS Sam would've been hurt to say the least by what Dean was about to do. Dean Winchester was about to pray, and pray with all his heart. He needed to talk to someone, and now. If he didn't he was certain his heart would explode.

Bobby cared. He knew Bobby would listen to him. But truth be told, ever since Bobby told him and Sam off, and rightfully so, he felt like he was imposing on the man. Bobby was right. He needed to sac up and stop being selfish. Bobby knew Dean's love for him ran deep. Apologies weren't needed between the two. But one person, well not really a person, more like angel didn't know Dean that well. Castiel didn't know Dean that well to just chug a beer and keep going, everything forgiven.

_And you shouldn't have to Cas._

**_"Your problems always come first."_**

And then he was gone. Dean wouldn't be surprised if his calls went unanswered from now on.

He'd been driving, and now pulled into a vacant field. The moon was full, adding a peaceful touch to the scene. Getting out of his car, he spotted a lone slide a few feet away. Climbing to the very top, he gingerly lay on his back, facing the sky. He let loose a sigh of relief when the structure held. It was a big slide, just his size. It fit his 6'1 frame perfectly...what it was doing in the middle of nowhere Dean didn't know. Shaking loose his thoughts, he focused on his task at hand.

"So, uh I don't really do this. Seriously anyway. But I'm trying here Cas. And if, if you can hear me-if you're listening, I hope you know that." Dean opened one eye, unaware he'd closed them. Castiel was nowhere to be seen. He swallowed his disappointment. He felt sick.

"Um, you see, growing up, all I've ever known is Sam and my dad. Dad, he was always hunting something or drilling Sam and I. Fatherly duties, well in a way they fell on me. I pretty much raised Sam, and in a way you can tell. I think on some level even my dad could tell." Recalling a memory, Dean laughed. "Man you should've been there the one time..."

* * *

"Sam! Get the hell off of the roof now!" John barked. But 14 year old Sam simply gave him a defiant glare.

"No! You told me yesterday that my stupidity would get me killed, so why don't I just do you a favor now and end it?" Sam yelled. He had no plan to jump, just scare some sense into his old man. John grit his teeth. He knew the fall wouldn't kill his youngest, but if he fell the right way, it could.

"Sam. Get. Down." he ordered in his best commanding tone.

"I'm not some fucking soldier dad! I'm your SON! You can't control-" and suddenly Sam stopped ranting. John thought he'd finally talked some sense into him, but noticed Sam had gone completely pale.

"Sam?" John called. Sam clearly didn't hear him, his gaze fixed on something behind him. Reaching into his pocket for his knife, John froze when he recognized the next sentence.

"What the FUCK Sammy." John spun around to spot Dean, his oldest son who was _supposed_ to still be a couple of hours away, finishing a simple salt and burn. Guess this means he was finished.

"Dean..." John stopped himself. He sounded, _apologetic_. As if Dean came home early from work to find out his father had killed his pet goldfish by forgetting to feed it. Dean seemed unaware of John's thoughts. He stepped forward, and John realized a few things. His son was now a young man. They were almost the same height. Secondly, Dean had a black eye. He also had a cut above his right eye, which was still bleeding. Oh and the most important thing was Dean looked pissed. Beyond pissed. "Dean I-" Dean stepped forward again, ignoring his father and now standing with his back to him. He only had eyes for the teenager on their roof.

"Sam. _Get the fuck off the roof_." Dean growled quietly. John could hear the rage simmering beneath the surface. Sam remained frozen, gaze still locked onto his big brother. Defiance didn't keep him locked in place. Fear did. John had to give Dean credit, he did look pretty damned intimidating. Blood dripping down his face, eyes squinting in the mid day sun...the boy, _man_ looked damned near demonic. And he didn't know if Sam saw it, but Dean was shaking.

Sam's eyes filled with tears. "Dean.."

"GET THE FUCK OFF OF THE ROOF NOW SAM! RIGHT. THE FUCK NOW!" Dean roared.

John seemed to have missed the day Dean's voice stopped cracking, because in the distance he hear birds scatter frantically from his voice. He even sounded a little like his old man...

* * *

"And man, I don't think Sam had ever moved so fast a day in his life. If he hadn't started bawling his eyes out like a little girl when he walked over to me I would have beat his ass. I think he knew that too, the sneaky bastard." Dean smiled, living in the memory for a few more moments. "Sam's first word: Dean. His first steps? Towards me. Sometimes he's more like a son than a brother. And sometimes, that's all I see. Which clouds my judgement. Since the age of four, he's been my number one priority. To hell with anything else." Dean paused, trying to keep his composure.

"But that's no excuse Cas, I've been beyond selfish. I know I have..." Dean broke off again, searching for some sign that he was being heard. Silence greeted him. Clearing his throat, he continued. "I just worry, what's happening to Sam's soul? The real Sam? Is Crowley torturing him? Has he been tortured? Is he-is he suffering like I suffered? Or is it..worse?" Silence still surrounded Dean, choking him. He felt tears begin to form.

_No..I can't cry..._

"I know I know!" Dean snapped, rubbing his eyes in anger. "I'm still being selfish...no wonder I'm alone." Once the words tumbled out of his mouth, the truth in them hit him hard. "My god...I _am_ alone aren't I?" He rasped, losing his voice for a second in utter horror. "No matter how bad things got, I had Sam. When I didn't have Sam, I had you or Bobby. Now, Sam's...Lisa wants nothing to do with me...Jo and Ellen are gone...Bobby thinks I'm a hormonal chick...and you..._you_..." And Dean couldn't bear to finish that sentence, tears now flowing freely down his face as he gazed up at the moon.

_Have finally given up on me._

"No matter what happened, you always stood by me. In return I called you Heaven's bitch boy and a dick. You died for me twice...how the hell could I treat you like I forgot about that?"

_Because I did. _

"I guess I have a complex, expecting you to help me out whenever I call. Put me first. You're not a friggin whitelighter. And I sure as hell aint Piper."

_I am an asshole however._

"You're at civil _war _Cas...against your own family. Killing your own brothers. Day in, day out, you're fighting against your own. I can't imagine-I could never kill Sam."

_Certain regrettable things aren't required of me._

"You tried to tell me...in that nerd angel sort of way, you tried to tell me. And, you know what? I should have already fucking _knew_."

_Because whenever it mattered the most, you did._

Dean finally stopped talking, the last few weeks catching up with him. The look on Castiel's face when he tried to explain to Dean why he didn't answer his call, the looks he gave whenever he said he was at war, or that he couldn't afford the luxory of caring. And that just gave more tears the strength to fall. For awhile Dean was content to lay there, wallowing in his own sorrow.

_I'm alone..._

Sighing a deep bone weary sigh, he gazed forlornly at the sky, half surprised the weight of his responsibilities didn't cause the slide to collapse.

"I-you're my best friend Cas." and if that didn't make him a monkey's uncle.

_It's true._

"Everything you've done...you should know...I'd do it for you too. If you could hear one thing, it'd be that. Without a second thought, I'd die for you too. We've been through hell together-literally." Dean paused to absently rub his shoulder, where Castiel's hand print remained.

_**I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from Perdition.**_

_And I could never thank you enough for that Cas._

_**This isn't funny, Dean! The voice says I'm almost out of minutes!**_ Dean smiled at the memory.

_**I see inside you, I see your guilt, your anger, confusion...**_

_And you gave it all up anyway...for me._

_**No, he's not on any flat bread.**_ Dean outright laughed at that one.

_**I'm not a hammer, as you say. I have questions. I-I have doubts.**_

_Out of everyone you choose to confide in me._

_**I killed two angels this week. Those are my brothers. I'm hunted, I rebelled, and I did it, all of it, for you, and you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world, and I lost everything... for nothing.**_

**I gave up everything. And this is what you give to me?**

More tears escaped Dean's eyes.

_Selfish...I'm so selfish..._

**The righteous man who begins it is the only one who can finish it. **

Dean swallowed and found his strength. "So I uh, I get it. I totally get it. You're fighting this war, and you most certainly do not need my crap on your shoulers, er wings. So believe it or not, I'm good. I will figure this Sam crap out, and keep it moving from there. If you ever...just take care of yourself alright?"

_**Dean and I do share a more profound bond...**_

Verbally Dean had finished talking, the last of his tears breaking loose from his eyes. Emotionally, mentally, he wasn't done yet.

_When no one else gave a damn, you did...I understand what you're going through, I should've told you that. No. I should've said...I'm sorry Cas. I'm so fucking __**sorry.**_

The moon was much lower in the sky now. Dean felt his phone vibrate. Instincts told him it was Sam. He flipped it open.

_You alive?_ The text read. Dean sighed and closed the phone. He absently rubbed his aching shoulder.

"Well, can't say I didn't give it my all." he announced to no one in particular, sitting up. His mouth went dry. Standing at the bottom of the slide, stood Castiel. Dean gaped. Castiel stared, face unreadable.

_Cas...I'm sorry. _

Dean hoped that for once _his_ eyes did the talking. For a few minutes, all was quiet. Castiel's eyes crinkled and his mouth twitched in what Dean thought was-a breif smile? He couldn't be sure though. He just wished the angel would say something! Just as he appeared, Castiel was gone. Dean was confused, and no way was he going to cry again. A gentle, warm breeze blew around him, and he heard a whisper on the wind.

_**Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy. Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude; It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongdoing. It does not delight in evil, But rejoices in the truth. It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves. There is nothing love cannot face; There is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance. In a word, there are three things that last forever: Faith, hope, and love; But the greatest of them all is love.**_

Dean smiled. Who would've thought Cas was the king of chick flick moments! Still full on grinning, he looked down at where Castiel had been standing. Without a second thought, he slid easily down to the bottom. Standing up with a yawn, he got in the car and headed back towards the motel. If he felt as if there was a hand gently resting on his shoulder, he didn't show it. Sam would wonder why he slept without any nightmares the next morning.

* * *

End! Castiel's thoughts next chapter? I love Dean and Castiel's friendship, I honestly believe they are in some way best friends...anyways here is the bible quote:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy.  
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;  
It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.  
It keeps no record of wrongdoing.  
It does not delight in evil,  
But rejoices in the truth.  
It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves.  
There is nothing love cannot face;  
There is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance.  
In a word, there are three things that last forever:  
Faith, hope, and love;  
But the greatest of them all is love.

~1 Corinthians 13:4-7


End file.
